Speedos, Sweat, and Summer Dress Code Survival

Speedos, Sweat, and Summer Dress Code Survival

The other day, I texted my niece just to check in and asked what she was doing. She replied, “Going to the pool.”

Naturally, I said, “I’m going to come too.”

Without skipping a beat, she hit me with, “I’ve never seen you swim.”

Excuse me?

I told her, “I can swim!” Because I can. I may not be Michael Phelps, but I float and flail just fine, thank you very much. I just don’t make a habit of showcasing my aquatic talents because, frankly, nobody needs to witness me paddling around like a confused walrus trying to find his towel.

But to spice things up and mess with her a bit, I added, “I’ll be there. In a Speedo.”

She replied so fast I think her fingers caught fire: “Oh gawd, no.”

Now, let’s be crystal clear. I do not own a Speedo. I have not ever owned a Speedo. I’m fully aware that unless Speedos start being manufactured in loose-fit, mid-thigh, flattering-on-a-midlife-body cargo style... I’m not your target model.

But her horrified response got me thinking. Summer is here, folks, and it’s about time we had a little refresher on the unspoken rules of how to survive it with just a shred of dignity and common sense. Because some of y’all are out here acting like summer is a lawless free-for-all, and it’s starting to show.

So let’s do this. Here are Dr. Nick’s official hot weather commandments:

1. Wear deodorant. No, seriously.
This isn’t 2005 and Axe body spray isn’t fooling anyone. You need the real deal. And not the travel-size stick from 8 months ago that’s been sitting in your glove box. If your armpits are performing jazz solos without your permission, it's time to intervene. The rest of us are counting on you.

2. Dress for the temperature, not for fashion week.
If you’re wearing black skinny jeans, a hoodie, and combat boots in the middle of July, I have questions. Are you okay? Blink twice if you’re being held hostage by poor fashion choices. It's 95 degrees. Give your thighs a break. Wear something breathable. Maybe even... a color.

3. Keep pool attire at the pool.
Yes, I’ve seen you at the gas station in a bikini. And I’m still trying to un-see it. I get it, it’s hot. But your swimsuit doesn't need to accompany you to Target. Let’s not confuse chlorine casual with grocery store appropriate. And fellas—swim trunks are not shorts just because they have a drawstring.

4. Use sunscreen, even when it’s cloudy.
Don’t be like my sister who once said, “It’s not 100% sunny, so I’m good.” Famous last words. A few hours later she left the pool looking like she just got broiled at 450 degrees. That first post-burn shower? She said it felt like she was being lashed by an angry Catholic nun who found out she skipped Mass. SPF is not just a suggestion. It’s a lifestyle.

5. Don’t stand outside in a thunderstorm like you’re auditioning for a shampoo commercial.
Yes, I see you. Walking your dog. Watering your lawn. Taking selfies. While thunder cracks and lightning flashes. If your pet is cowering under the table and Alexa just told you there’s a warning, maybe don’t grab the metal rake. Take a seat indoors. Storms are not your playground.

6. Flip-flop responsibly.
Listen, I love a good flop as much as the next guy, but if your toes look like they’ve been through war, maybe cover them. And flip-flops are not meant for fast-paced action. If you’re chasing your cart through a parking lot in the rain wearing foam sandals, that’s how you end up on YouTube.

7. Hydrate like a grown-up.
I say this with love and a Pibb in my hand. Water. Drink it. If your pee looks like apple juice, you are on a one-way train to dehydration town. This is not the time to live on iced coffee and regret. Treat your kidneys with respect.

So here’s the deal, friends. Summer doesn’t mean you have to suffer, but it does require just a smidge of preparation and a dash of common sense. Take care of your body, your hygiene, and maybe those poor, overexposed toes.

And please—for the love of all things holy and chlorine-scented—keep your Speedo jokes in the family group chat.

Stay cool. Stay shaded. And stay moisturized. Your skin and everyone within a ten-foot radius will thank you.